Journal

What to write in a memory book for a funeral or celebration of life

Perhaps a book was left on a table at the service, or the family has asked everyone to write something, and the page in front of you is blank. There is no right thing to say. What helps most is usually simpler than people expect: something true about the person, in your own words. This page is here to help you find it.

Updated September 2026

Who you are writing for

The family will read what you write, perhaps more than once, and often some time after the funeral. They are not reading for the writing. They are reading for the person. A detail they never knew, or a side of someone they only saw at home, can mean a great deal.

Four places to start

A memory. One moment, told plainly: where you were, and what they did or said.

The summer I was twelve, Frank taught me to row on the lake at Coniston. He never once took the oars back, even when we went round in circles.

Something that was just them.

Margaret could not walk past a crooked picture frame. Every house she visited was a little straighter when she left.

Something they taught you.

Joe showed me how to check a tyre, how to apologise properly, and how to make tea for twenty without anyone waiting.

A small moment.

She always waved from the window until the car was out of sight. I still look back at that window.

If nothing comes to mind

Grief can make it hard to remember anything at all. One of these questions may open a door:

What is your first memory of them?
Was there something they always said?
Where do you picture them when you think of them?
Was there food you associate with them?
What did they say when something went wrong?
Was there something of theirs you would recognise anywhere?
Is there a small thing you remember that nobody else would?

It’s fine to be short

A sentence or two is enough.

Thank you for every Sunday dinner. I never left your house hungry, or unheard.
Dennis was the first person to say good morning to me at the depot, and he said it every day after.
I think of Nora whenever I hear a blackbird. She knew every song in that garden.
A kind man, and a terrible loser at dominoes. I’ll miss both.

Who to address, and how to sign

You can write to the family (“Your mum was…”), to the person (“You always…”), or simply about them. All three are right. Sign with your full name and how you knew them, because the family may not know who you are:

Anjali Mehta, who worked with Colin at the library for nine years.

If you didn’t know them well

You don’t need a long history to write something that matters. Write what you saw, or write to the family.

I only met Eileen a handful of times, but each time she asked after my daughter by name. That stayed with me.
I knew David through the running club. He was always the one waiting at the finish for the last runner in.
I didn’t know your dad well, but I know how often you talked about him, and how much he meant to you.

A longer message, if you want the room

A simple shape: how you knew them, one memory, what it showed about them, and what stays with you.

I met Anne in 1987, when we were both new to the street and neither of us knew a soul. She knocked on my door with half a lemon drizzle and said she’d made too much, which, I learned later, she never had. For thirty years that was how she did things: quietly, with cake, before you’d thought to ask. When my husband was ill she walked our dog every morning and never once mentioned it. I still pass her gate and expect the kitchen light to be on.With love to you all,
Pat Kinsella, number 14

What to leave out

Phrases that could be about anyone. “Everything happens for a reason” or “Time heals” can hurt more than they help.
How they died. The book is about their life.
Your own grief at length. A line saying you miss them is right. A page about you is not.
Advice. The family does not need to be told to be strong.
Anything you’re not sure they know. An old disagreement or a private story is better told to them quietly, or not at all.
Worry about the writing. Crossings-out and spelling don’t matter. You meant it, and that is what they will read.

If you can add a photograph

If the book takes photographs, choose one of them doing something ordinary: at the sink, on the bench, halfway through a story. Write who is in it and roughly when. In a few years’ time, nobody will remember which summer it was.

Gathering memories from everyone

Some families gather memories online as well as, or instead of, a book at the service. Theirs & Ours makes a Memorial Board. There is one link for the people who knew them, where each person can write, record a spoken message or add photographs, with gentle questions for anyone unsure where to begin. When the family is ready, it becomes a printed book. There is no deadline: the family chooses when to stop taking messages.

About the Memorial Board